Wednesday, March 12, 2014

SIR REGINALD AND THE TRIPLE BYPASS BURGER

SIR REGINALD AND THE TRIPLE BYPASS BURGER
[read first post first]
Sir Reginald headed off to the Donald's  to get his wife some raw carbs on his awkward burping motor scooter that made him look like a slender goose about to pounce.  His wife would come but she had to find out if Fernando was the father, and getting up was ineffective.  She said that, yeah that's what she said grow up.  Now that you’re done giggling like a school girl we can continue.  She said that the fast food would make her strong as an ox [if only he could get her to stop eating the box].  On the way he got pulled over by officer doughnut bag Blart for driving like a caffeinated toad.  While walking to the door he impolitely smirked at the poor saps stuck behind the guy that paid in change at the drive thru.  He walked in and tripped on the wet floor sign [thus defeating the point].  The cashier said, "Are you ready to order"?
"Yes, yes I am.  Good detective work.  The fact that I am looking at the menu with a puzzled look on my face tell you I’ve chosen what to order and the fact that I am standing 10 feet away tells you I am ready to tell you."
"Just tell me what you want."
"I will have the triple bypass burger with a side of cardiac arrest."
He then went to the fountain to get some bubbly when he said "there is a problem."
"What’s the problem?"
"I’ll tell you what the problem is there aren't any lids left"
"Well what do you mean there is some right there."
"Oh thank you lad." 
On his way back he "accidentally" flattened some yanks that where making fun of his scooter.
By Mark

 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

THIS IS A HOLD UP

THIS IS A HOLD UP
[read first post first]
While on his way to the foot shaving clinic his zoo keeper recommended, sir Reggae was mugged.  Once they had there coffee the mugger pulled out a toy light saber and said "drop the churro."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm mugging you."
"With that stance?"
"Give me all your money"
"No thanks id prefer to keep it."
"I aint messin around."
"Take a chilaxitive Anikin."
"Give me every penny you got or I will smack you very roughly."
So sir Reggae gave him a sack full of pennies.  At this time the mugger was in a way displeased and maybe a bit cross.
"Give me the rest of it."
"Cash or credit?"
"Cash for now."
"Do you want the cell phone too."
"Yes."
"And its certificate of authenticity?"
"What?"
"I'm pulling your leg its actually made of card board, any thing else you need."
"Loose the frequent flamingo dancer card."
"I guess you will want the green card."
The mugger momentarily broke character and rofled because that joke ways so righteous.  Then he ran off [without saying goodbye.]  Just then up in the sky its a bird its a plane its captain obvious. (obviously) The captain swooped down and said "he got away."
"Well lather my body in peanut oil and call me uncle Stevie.
"Your making fun of me aren't you"
"Just a little."
Then like any good citizen sir Reggae turned to the camera a alerted the children of the dangers of planking on a buffalo.
By Mark


 

Friday, March 7, 2014

THE BOURNE PHARMACY

THE BOURNE PHARMACY
[read first post first]
While walking down to the bourne pharmacy sir Reggae slipped on a bonona peel.  No badly but just enough to land in an impressive gymnastical pose and make his mood 13% less giddy.  As soon as he was done pouting about it he walked in and bumped into the not so automatic door.  Once he was in he saw a tabloid about the airliners baby mascot and lady gaga's incarnate attire.  He walked up to the doofenshmertz in the lab coat and said "do you have any shots." 
"Yes, cold and flu."
"I will take that as a no, what about coke?"
"That would be in our drink department."
"Pot?"
"Sorry sir we don't have a cooking department."
"Crack?"
"Don't worry we already called the handy man."
[face-palm]  
"Let me be frank."
"And I will be Tim"
"Im looking to get high."
"Oh, I understand.  Stilts are in the toy section"
"What kind of drug dealer are you?"
"The white kind."
"Do you have any nose candy or not?"
"Maybe I do maybe I don't."
"Don't get testy with me lad its in your shoe."
"Its used."
"My nose says yes, my gag reflex says no."
By Mark

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

SIR REGINALD AND THE HOLIER THAN THOW CAT

SIR REGINALD AND THE HOLIER THAN THOW CAT.
[read the first post first]
While giving his wife moral support as she swallow a metric ton of nutrisystem and enjoying the classical works of weird Al Yankolvik sir Reggae noticed that the neighbors pompous wind bag cat was defiling his shrubbery.  In a less than peachy mood he yelled, "get off my londscapping you obese excuse for a sub protozoa." Then he chucked his wife's tennis racket of a shoe, and missed by 3/11ths of a cubic centimeter.  The cat just glared at him.  Not like a regular glare more like a who is this village fool who dares address the highest authority the in land, king muffins.  Just then a 2 foot tub of lard with a sponge bob backpack holding enough lunch to feed the 5000 said, "get away from my kitty you uh.. dumb face." 
"What are you gonna do, sit on me."
"I hate your guts."
"Well I hate your gall bladder."
[it just got real]
Then the talking melon charged but bumped into a lawn flamingo.  He was up and charging again in 46 seconds flat.  He attempted to kick Reggae in the shin but to his unpleasant surprise sir Reggae was wearing his lucky witch king knee brace.  Then his neighbor came out in his footsie pajamas with a baton.  He ran inside scared as bull frog full of sodypop.  Then he drew mean pictures of his neighbors to make himself feel better.
By Mark

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

SIR REGINALD VS THE MAIL MAN

SIR REGINALD VS THE MAIL MAN
[Read the first post first]
While delivering sir Reggae's hate mail the mail man was pounced upon by Todd the wolf hound.  While enjoying his tea with full intent of ignoring the postal chap the mail man said,
excuse me soh is this your hound?
Sir Reggae noticed the grinning hairy beast laying across the man who seamed a bit cross.
Who wants to know?
Maybe the guy who asked.
Don't get sarcastic with me my lad.
Wouldn't dream of it.
What are you any way.
I'm the mail man.
Yeah and that's a k9 dog now what are you really.
Mail with an i you twit.
Oh,  wonderful weather we are having.
Get your leviathan off me!
Just then Reggae's wife stormed toward him in anger until she was abruptly halted buy the slimness of the door way.  For a comically awkward moment she battled with the double doors until the house gave in [and caved in]. 
You ate my crumpet.
pardon me but do you mean the one your eating right now?
Oh, does these stretch pants make me look like a trout.
Not any more then you usually do.
Your rubbish at encouragement.
Just then Reggae's wife was hit by a smart car and after five days of agony the car died.  3 years later the mail man acquired a bad case of being frikin dead, he never did get to open his own haberdashery.
By Mark

Monday, March 3, 2014

THE INTRO OF SIR REGINALD


THE TALE OF SIR REGINALD

In the 1970s at the height of the English “enlightenment” Sir Reginald was a English professor at Cambridge school for the mentally not all there for 2.5 years until he was right out sacked for un sportsmen like conduct in a heated game of croquet.  But first received a personal foul after hurling a scone at the ethicit teacher.  Once they sacked him like Sacajuaya he sent the school a strong email.  He now resides in a modern contemporary tent but he like his wife is saving every pound (£) (lb.) to perches the fanciest uptown 42 inch plasma screen TV box to take up luxurious residency upon.  His “big boned” wife is constantly nagging him to swab the heaps of dog rubbish left by Todd the Irish wolf hound over to the next yard but his bloated bladder of a neighbor simply won’t have it.  In his free time he enjoys reggae, long walks on the beach, the fine art of hiposatire, simultaneously eating the same strand of spaghetti with a mate ultimately ending in mouth to mouth resuscitation, and telling strangers about his inflamed liver. According to his eHarmony profile.  Ever since they gave him the boot he has been living off of child support and a government grant he got to prove how stupid politicians are.  He doesn’t fancy bow ties because they bring out his larynx.   He is not really a knight but he has considered himself a sir ever since that conversation he had with a strong accented southern man when he was but a tot. 
Keep reading for more LOLygaging.
BY MARK